Aric McKeown

1. Old Kinderhook
2. Little Magician
3. Martin Van Ruin
4. Red Fox of Kinderhook
5. Blue Whiskey Van

1. The Facts of Life contained only one fact in its entire nine year run

Tootie, played my the hermaphroditic Kim Fields, spoke the titular line during the first episode. This line was aired only once. It was censored from future reruns. The controversial yet true line, in its entirety, is, “Boy, the space government sure did create a strain of super AIDs to destroy the Grand Canyon.”

2. Edward Hopper is better known by his pseudonym, The Zodiac Killer

On May 15th, 1967, American realist Edward Hopper faked his own death in order to start his second career as as serial killer. In his unknown and unappreciated painting entitled Nighthawks, Edward Hopper placed clues as to his transformation. There was no exit from his desire. Edward Hopper was never caught.

3. If someone says a movie was “powerful,” they did not enjoy their film viewing experience

If someone informs you that their cinematic experience was “powerful,” they are trying to make a fool of you. While not directly a lie, “powerful” can be misconstrued as a positive opinion. Let us take an example from wrestling. If someone says their opponent was “powerful,” you would not want to experience the power of this gladiator for yourself. Thusly, it is wise to avoid all things “powerful.”

4. Attached earlobes are gross

During exercise the male genitalia will become sweaty and odorous. After the cycle of exercise has been completed the sweat will often times dry, sticking the male testes to the nearest leg be it left or right. That is what attached earlobes are like.

5. Nobody really knows you

Let us say, for good measure, that you know 200 people. The estimated populated of Earth was recently estimated at 6,670,738,500. Taking into account the 200 people you know, 2.99816879 × 10^-6 percent of the world’s population knows you. If you round that number off, you get 0 percent. Thus, nobody knows you.