Archive for January, 2008

Lowry Hill Tunnel Warning Lights a Joke

Published at January 25, 2008 in Minnesota. 2 Comments

Lowry Hill TunnelI was driving back to the northwest suburbs after a pleasant time at Matt’s Bar last night when I came to blows with the Lowry Hill Tunnel. If you’re planning to continue on 94, you should be in the left hand lane before entering the dark beast. Otherwise you will be slowed down by idiots trying to get on to 394 who don’t know how to take a curve.

But tonight, there was a different kind of traffic stoppage. The all-too-regular accident in the Lowry Hill Tunnel stoppage. I had just made it under the Blaisdell bridge when traffic haulted. Being the smart 94 driver, I was in the far left lane. I look up from my dashboard and see some lights I’ve never noticed before. One for each lane of traffic through the tunnel, and one for the Hennepin exit. Here is a picture of what I saw.

Lowry Hill Tunnel Lights

Oh no! I’m in a red X lane! The car must have split in half and flew to both sides of the tunnel. No matter. I find my way to a semi that leaves 3 car lengths open in front of it and am now in the second to the left lane. Yellow arrow means caution. I will be cautious.

10 minutes later, I’ve moved under the next set of warning lights. I hadn’t been able to see them because of a large SUV in front of me. But they’ve changed. They look like this now.

Lowry Hill Tunnel Lights

Swell. I’m still in a caution lane. Might as well stay the course instead of trying to get to the green lane, which is obviously clear.

Another ten minutes pass, the and red lanes are moving quickly while the arrow lanes are stopped. Finally, the big orange trucks with blinking lights telling us where to merge fly in front of the tunnel entrance and corral everyone on to the Hennepin exit. The Lowry Hill Tunnel is now closed, but the lights remain the same.

So am I seeing things, or are these lights completely useless? I was following what they said, but all they gave me was nonsense. They went against everything I learned in elementary school. Are these lights for the emergency workers? Don’t they have radios so as not to confuse the people who need to flush the Grain Belt Premium from their systems? What the hell are these lights for?

UPDATE:
Got a response from Mn/DOT on this:

There are 23 lane control signals (LCS) mounted outside of the I-94 Lowry Hill Tunnel in downtown Minneapolis. The LCS are used to alert motorists when there is an incident within the tunnel zone that is blocking a lane of traffic. There are five sets of lane control signals approaching the tunnel from the east and three lane control signals approaching the tunnel from the west.

It’s likely that the dispatcher on duty Thursday night had her hands full answering phone calls and coordinating road closure information and Mn/DOT Maintenance’s response to this incident, in addition to deploying the lane control signals and changeable message signs.

I can understand that things can get a bit mixed up with lots of things going on, but if these signals don’t work correctly in the case of a crash then there seems to be little point to them.

I Am Unbelievably Stupid

Published at January 22, 2008 in In General. 0 Comments

Call it a self fulfilling prophecy, but Make Me Watch TV can be found in the most recent edition of 505 Unbelievably Stupid Webpages, 2E.

I became aware of my new status while browsing through the humor aisle at Borders. Admittedly, I’ve been flipping through these “stupid website” books for quite some time now, looking for myself. Is it vanity if it is self-deprecating?

The book catches the eye pretty quickly. There is a bright pink Peeps bunny on the cover, and the book was facing forward on the shelf. How much do you think the publisher had to pay so this novelty book would face forward on Borders shelves across the country?

I picked up the book and flipped to the index. Oddly enough, I searched for Least Dangerous Game first. Obviously, I don’t know which of my online projects is the most “unbelievably stupid.” But there was Make Me Watch TV, sitting up and staring at me in black and white.

Finally, all of my year of hard work (year was not pluralized for added humor) has finally paid off. Make Me Watch TV sits, decently, above the 50% mark as the 201st most unbelievably stupid website out of 505.

In the book, the paragraph written about MMWTV and me wasn’t really harsh. It implied that I was a bit crazy, but that I was a real trooper. I’m paraphrasing, and poorly at that. They were rather impressed that someone could sit through Reba, and rightly so.

Make Me Watch TV is currently on break until the WGA gets a fair shake. I hope the AMPTP can finally offer the writer’s a good deal, so I can go back to making fun of their work. I have a stupid website to maintain.

For Most Happy Feet

Published at January 16, 2008 in Skepticism. 0 Comments

Kinoki Detox Foot Pads were recently a topic on the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe podcast. These foot pads claim to draw toxins out of your body through your feet. As you might have (or should have) guessed, it is utter nonsense. In fact, a quick trip to the product’s own clinical study page tells you everything you need. It simply says “coming soon.”

A few days after a good laugh at this ridiculous product, a good friend mentions interest in purchasing this 21st century snake oil. You see, he had just gotten a massage and was informed that his shoulders contain a lot of toxins. I have a sneaking suspicion that the massage giver wasn’t taking toxin measurements or readings with scientific instruments. At any rate, a simple asking of “what toxins are being released” should stump the massage “therapist.”

I’m not saying massages aren’t great. They relax your muscles and they feel great! The just don’t release mystery toxins.

So some masseuse mentions toxins and suddenly the bogus foot pad industry gets a boost. I can’t have that. It was now my job to get these products off his shopping list.

Perhaps I should have gone the simpler route by showing that the foot pads were no good. But I started my explaining the massage trickery, which was confusing because massages are delightful.

Eventually, I got my point across with swearing, since I wasn’t close enough to smack him.

All in all, I did a very bad job of arguing my point. But, thankfully, these foot pads will not be purchased.

I think I was less grumpy when I knew less.

The Cloverfield Mystery

Published at January 14, 2008 in Movie Films. 0 Comments

CloverfieldAfter receiving a hair shortening at Winston’s Barber Shop, from an employee that didn’t smell funny (like last time) at that, errands were the name of the game on Saturday. There was cat food to be picked up, inkjet paper to be purchased, and free advance screening tickets to Cloverfield to be found.

All three tasks should have been very easy, and they might have been if it hadn’t been me performing the tasks. The cat food was easy enough, even though Feline Rescue had a bunch of adorable kitties on display at the Roseville PETCO. The inkjet paper was fairly easy too, even with the inherent creepiness bestowed upon every OfficeMax. Any guesses as to which task gave me some trouble?

Picking up tickets to the virally hyped Cloverfield should have been a walk in the park. As you can see from this City Pages page, all I had to do was walk in to Jay’s Cafe and be done with it.

The day before my errands (that was a Friday, but it doesn’t matter), Google Maps helped me find the location of Jay’s Cafe. One block north of University, first cross street east of 280, at the intersection of two “T” named streets. As it turns out, my information on these “T” streets was very incorrect. There was a “Territorial” nearby, but that was it.

After circling around, going up Raymond (the first cross street east of 280), down some other street, around and around, I found nothing. Eventually, with frustration in my fingers, I drove my car to Roseville for my other errands.

Following my consumption of cat food and paper, I got a little help from my mom over the phone in locating Jay’s. I had passed Jay’s Cafe at least four times in my search for it. On Raymond, which doesn’t begin with a “T,” there was a black awninged cafe. This was Jay’s Cafe.

I had been out and about on errands for about three hours, so I was a bit hungry. I figured I’d have a bite to eat at Jay’s Cafe so I wouldn’t feel guilty about grabbing some free tickets for my friends and me. After parking on a non-metered street about a block away, I rounded the corner and saw the tiny awning that introduced Jay’s to the few smart enough to look for it.

As I entered Jay’s Cafe, things happened in a panic. My first observation was that the cafe was very tiny. As a guess, I would say there were about 16 tables in total. And, wouldn’t you know, tables were packed. With all the time I wasted while looking for Jay’s Cafe, it had reached the lunching hour. And, finally, I could spot only one staff member in this tiny restaurant.

To the observer, I might have looked like a bird caught in a screen porch. I fluttered in, panicked for a few moments, and fluttered out. Crippling anxiety couldn’t bring me to bother the one server in a packed cafe for tickets to a movie. I was defeated.

I phoned my friends and, luckily, left messages. I lied and said the cafe was out of tickets.

How can a tiny cafe have defeated me in such a big way? What did I care if a limited amount of patrons or employees thought that I was a jerk? Would they even think I was a jerk? They obviously agreed to have tickets available to public. Weren’t they the jerks for not having a big neon sign pointing to their free tickets?

These are the ideas that don’t enter my head during self made stress. And so, here I sit with no advance screening passes to Cloverfield. It’s only a matter of time before someone ruins the mystery of the movie for me before it comes out. And whose fault is that? It’ll take the blame for that one.

Zombie Diary - Entry 1

Published at January 11, 2008 in Zombie Diary. 0 Comments

Saddest ZombieWoke up this morning with a tickle in my throat. Coughed a few times to try and remove what I assumed was a collection of phlegm that had pooled during the night. Was rather surprised when I produced a severed finger. That would explain the tickling.

Checked my hands for a missing digit. All ten were accounted for and, I should add, freezing cold! Whose finger was this? I decided not to worry about it too much, as it was not a thumb. Someone couldn’t miss a finger too much. I returned the digit to my mouth and continued on with my morning rituals.

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